There has been a great deal of hubbub this past week about the alleged change in Earth’s “wobble” that has shifted the zodiac signs. The fact that the story originated with an astronomer (not an astrologer) in my hometown of Minneapolis was amusing to me, as I have long known that being farther north along the top curve of the globe gives one more solid opportunity to accurately assess such things.
Not being much of a devote of following my horoscope, I was more amused at all the Chicken Little-esque uproar from those that are. My primary contact with any such zodiological chit-chat was during my young and single days, when asking a potential date what her ‘sign’ was quite en vogue. While I never did ask a woman what her sign was, it was information requested of me a number of times. The straight-forward seriousness of such an inquiry never appealed to me, so my more humorous take veered more along the lines of the now clichéd, “Well, mine is ‘slippery when wet’ and I’ll bet yours is ‘dangerous curves!”
Okay, I never truly said that to a woman in public – though I did honestly hear it used by guests from time-to-time during my days in the hotel business. Their success ratio I can only describe as ‘sketchy.’
Legal disclaimer: I offer the following research only as a public service. I profit in no way from any of the information presented from this point forward, and will not engage in any charting or prevaricating on said changes in your life or the alleged course thereof. Consult a true professional for any such interpretation.
That being said, here is your new Zodiac for the Millennium, your new signs to wit:
If you were an Aries, the Ram, you are generally considered adventurous, energetic, enthusiastic, confident, dynamic and quick-witted. On the down side, you can be selfish, quick-tempered, impulsive and foolhardy. Your new sign is
Open All Night (about St.Patrick’s Day to nearly Arbor Day): Your career prospects are focused on honing a stand-up comedy routine on customers while working a 24-hour fast-food drive through lane. You will have lots of people squirting you with ketchup packets as their form of heckling. Prominent people born under Open All Night include Leonardo DaVinci, Thomas Jefferson and Adolf Hitler. Hitler was known to frequently tell people, “You WILL want fries with that.”
If you were a Taurus, the Bull, you are generally seen as patient, reliable, warmhearted, loving, persistent and determined. You are also known as jealous, possessive, inflexible and greedy. Your new sign is
Fallout Shelter (Arbor Day to the Second Wednesday after Mother’s Day): While generally charming and gregarious (thank you) you also see life as gigantic, never ending game of bumper cars. Your approach tends to tick people off, so you periodically disappear (physically and/or emotionally) from sight after setting off multiple incidents of carnage.
Notable Fallout Shelters include Charlotte Bronte, Immanuel Kant and Jack Nicholson. Kant was known to be morally opposed to astronomy, but did engage with friends in drinking games which involved combining Ouija Boards and Twister.
If you were a Gemini, the Twins, you suffer from some sort of split personality disorder, or as it is known in retail circles – a buy-one/get one, or ‘BOGO.’ You are adaptable, versatile, intellectual, eloquent, communicative and witty – in large part because you grew up talking to yourself a lot. Your new sign is
Merge (Tuesday after Mother’s Day to Flag Day): You fidget a lot while having fascinating debates with yourself. Famous Merge’s include George H.W. Bush, Errol Flynn and Johnny Depp. Oddly, as a Gemini, you hate pirate movies.
If you were a Cancer, the Crab, you are thought of as traditionalist who enjoys operating on a fundamental level. You love history, and the beginnings of things such as heraldry and ancestry. You are usually emotional, loving, intuitive and imaginative but also changeable, moody, overemotional and touchy. Your new sign is
No Vacancy (Flag Day to National Cheesecake Day): You are clingy and unable to let go, retaining the traits of your original claw-bearing sign. When in the company of new people, you have a hard time coming out of your shell. Famous No Vacancy’s include P.T. Barnum, Dolly the Sheep and James McNeil Whistler. Barnum would’ve loved Dolly, while Whistler was known as a real mother.
If you were the sign formerly known as Leo, the Lion, you know that Leo’s are generally kind, warmhearted, creative, enthusiastic, faithful and loving. You can also be pompous and patronizing, bossy and interfering, dogmatic and intolerant – especially in regards to your hair. Your new sign is
For Sale (National Hotdog Day – Amy & Mark’s Anniversary): You are all about expanse, power and exuberance. For Sales are natural born leaders, and they will let you know it as they have a tendency to be high-minded and vocal about their opinions. You have savvy way of analyzing a situation and executing swift judgment with a beneficial outcome. Or not. It comes from being a leader. You are a mercenary. Many indicted financiers are For Sales.
Famous For sales include Davey Crockett, Herbert Hoover and Benito Mussolini. Make up your own punch line.
If you were Virgo, the Virgin, you are generally modest, shy, meticulous and reliable. You are also a fussy worrier, who is overcritical and harsh. Intelligent and analytical, former Virgo’s have keen minds, and are delightful to talk with, often convincing others of outlandish tales with ease and charm – like the idea that they are virgins. Your new sign is
If your old sign was Libra, the Scales, you are usually diplomatic and urbane, yet gullible and easily influenced. You are also noted for being idealistic, indecisive, flirtatious and self-indulgent. Your new sign is
Leave a Penny/Take a Penny (Labor Day to Halloween): Romantic and charming, easygoing and sociable, you have keen intuitions, but often don’t give yourself enough credit for your perceptions. Often as not, you take a penny and leave a penny during this same convenience store transaction. Notable Leavers/Takers include Bella Lugosi, Evel Knievel and Penny Marshall, who most people could take or leave.
If your old sign was Scorpio, the scorpion, you are most likely determined, forceful, emotional and intuitive. Powerful and passionate, you are also jealous, resentful, compulsive and obsessive and your new sign is
High Voltage (Halloween to Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade): as a High Voltage, you resent it when people object to your consistently greeting them with a joy buzzer in hand, or your habit on constantly rubbing your head with a balloon. You’re a bit odd.
Famous High Voltages include Charles Atlas, Johnny Carson and Henry Winkler – a.k.a ‘The Fonz’. You are in good company here, but your indecisiveness manifests itself as you face the daily dilemma of wearing nothing but a thong or a leather jacket.
If you used to be a Sagittarius, the Centaur, you are optimistic, freedom-loving, jovial and good-humored – but can also be blindly optimistic and careless, not to mention tactless and restless. Your new sign is
Elevator (Thanksgiving to Hanukkah): Resentful of your new place in the zodiological makeup of things, most people are tired of hearing you complain about it, usually noting that your previous sign portrayed you as a half-person/half-animal; which is it, bub? Who can tell? A natural prevaricator, you tend to go back-and-forth on the whole escalator thing.
Prominent Elevators include Frank Sinatra, Walt Disney and Martin Van Buren. 8th President of the U.S. Van Buren never rode an escalator, but it was frequently said that his ‘dumbwaiter didn’t go all the way to the top.’
If you were a Capricorn the Goat, you are considered practical, prudent, ambitious, disciplined and humorous. On the other hand, you can be pessimistic, fatalistic, miserly, overly conventional and rigid. You are usually not the life of the party, as you frequently question the idea of a ‘party’ – mood killer. Your new sign is
Pedestrian Crossing (First Wal-Mart Half-Price on Christmas Décor Sale – Elvis Presley’s Birthday) You have broad shoulders, and typically take on other’s problems with aplomb. Ironically, you rarely share your own problems and go through bouts of inner gloom after spells of dwelling on world events and failed casserole recipes you got from magazines then tried to make.
The most prominent of Pedestrian Crossings is Nostradamus, who is noted some 600 years after his death for his alleged prowess at prophesying thousands of famous world events, most of which never happened. What most people fail to understand is that his prophecy success ratio hovers at .023 – which would get him cut from any respectable Little League Oracle squad.
If you used to be an Aquarius, the Water Bearer, you are friendly and humanitarian, honest, loyal, original and inventive. You are also intractable, contrary, perverse and unpredictable – the main reason you are the sign that, per capita, gets a glass of water dumped on his/her head and gets stormed out on in restaurants more often than other signs. With the change, you are now free to avoid ‘5th Dimension’ karoake nights at the local Best Western. Your new sign is
Restrooms (Elvis’ Birthday to Groundhog Day) : Something of a procrastinator, you tend to zigzag through life forgetting about personal needs until too late, and you go about accomplishing goals and making major decisions in quiet, often unorthodox ways that favor rousing, testosterone-tinged games of “one potato, two potato” over thoughtful deliberation.
Famous Restrooms include Wolfgang ‘Petey’ Mozart, Charles Darwin and John Travlota. Curiously, all three of them spent their high school days as bullied water boys for the football team before finding fame elsewhere.
Formerly a Pieces, the Fish, you are usually found to be imaginative, sensitive, compassionate, intuitive, sympathetic and unworldly. You are also noted being escapist, secretive, vague, weak-willed and easily led. Your handshake reflects these traits. Your new sign is
Please Wait To Be Seated (Groundhog Day to Valentine’s Day): The shortest of the zodiological time frames, your sign’s brevity manifests itself in your being weak-willed and easily led. You will never complain when given the bad seat next to the kitchen or the garbage bin, nor when given the wrong order or cold food.
Famous Wait to Be’s include Mr. Magoo, Ed McMahon and Michelangelo – who, true to his sign, didn’t complain when assigned the ceiling painting gig by his foreman, even though he was rather unambitious, and all he really wanted to paint was wall frescoes and a series of ‘Velvet-Popes’ for the church vestry.
I sincerely hope the preceding information helps put your mind at ease about the shift in the stars, and helps you maintain an even keeled balance in your life, that may have run aground during this tumultuous news cycle.
While the shifting of stars and corresponding zodiological signs is significant, there are other, less talked about as yet effects of the shifting of the heavens. One of these you may notice soon when eating at an Asian restaurant in your neighborhood; what was originally 2011, the Year of the Rabbit, is still 2011 but is now known as the Year of the Dachshund. As wiener dogs will instinctively track rabbits into their warrens to hunt them down, this change has disturbed some people.
Millions of placemats are being reprinted as I write this. But that is a story for another day.