* actual fish not included – editors note
Kids ever ask you “But how does Santa KNOW?”
Naughty or nice, every December a big show
behavior is coerced, by threats and cajoling; the
latest big thing? A shelf-elf spying, all-knowing
I watch and report on all that you do!”
Kids get elf paranoia from Santa himself!
“I am his helper a friendly scout elf!”
‘Scout elf’ is a ‘pal’ that your kids gets to name
so years later in therapy they know just who to blame
He sits in a new spot every day in December
Each night while kids sleep he must send Santa a text
all the bad stuff they have done, but in proper context
elf reports to him each day if kids have been good or been bad
then make creepy small talk about the day that you had
Don’t swear or be cranky, don’t be a gossip – or skanky
mind your manners, never forget to say “please and thanky!”
Every finger flip-off, push or a shove, elf will report to his boss –
fear not elf surveillance; acts of kindness will not be a loss!
minding behavior; as parent scams go, this one’s a beauty!
There must be a better way to keep kids in line
here is an idea from some good friends of mine.
Want your kids to toe the line til Christmas?
I have a plan much sounder; replace the elf
on your shelf with a Flounder on the Counter ™
Steely dead-fish eyes will watch every move
a flounder just lays there, nothing to prove
a fish with a backstory, you’ve nothing to lose
make a new tradition, find your holiday groove
Just tell your kids that Santa’s Flounder is watching
read them his tale they will comply without scoffing
if they desire all the toys they have on their lists,
they must keep beholden to a big, flat, dead fish:
Flounder on the Counter
“Here is his tale, your first encounter
“I am a flounder, a big, flat fish from the seas!
I spent my time swimming, I was easy to please!
One day I found myself trapped in a big net
ending up on some ice in a fish market, I sat.
A big guy with a beard came walking along,
grumpily humming a strange jingle-bell song
I was suddenly purchased – destined for dinner
but at our meeting I came out the winner!
The man you call Santa was in a foul mood
the business of kid spying, not favorably viewed
elves he employed were balking at work
the kids they were spying on? A bunch of jerks
moved from shelf to shelf was ignominious duty
then people really began to treat them quite cruelly;
elves quit, filed suit, claiming workplace abusement
I offered a solution Santa took just like that
“Keep kids in line with a dead fish that lays flat!
threaten kids with dead fish, they won’t make a sound!”
Here is the story, written by me and Santa himself
(I am better behavior-mod that a green-tighted elf)
What follow is the poem that comes with the flounder
read it as a family, then place me on the counter:
“Each morning you’ll find me on a chair or your bed
Santa’s spying, all-knowing fish, not completely dead
everything you do – your Flounder on the Counter
Why do I keep track of all that you do?
Why do you parents put up with my peyew?
Intimidation by fish? Not out of proportion
Oh, and always beware as you often pass my counter
no matter the smell – don’t you dare dis the flounder!
Even if you hanker to screw around while at school
I’ll know from the cafeteria or some undercover tool
say your prayers, spray your Lysol, I’ll still remain ripe
come the next morn, I’ll have taken short flight
I’ll be on the job someplace – just doing my job right
You’ll never know where I will next appear
I’ll be lying there, mouth agape, open eyes staring,
bad behavior I see and don’t say you’re not caring
There are the rules that govern my magical spell
there is nothing to do ‘bout my dead flounder smell
don’t try to remove me or I’ll just have to tell
then your Christmas gift getting will be shot all to hell.
But all threats aside, I can help you get what you seek
Tell me your wishes! What presents you would like!
Don’t be put off by my death smile, impressionable tyke!
I hope we will become friends, and you will not feel abused
by a dead fish reporting on everything you say and do
a dead fish just coercing young girls and boys
I am just another cog in
the holiday enterprise
I am Flounder on the Counter –
Santa’s all-seeing dead eyes.”